EVERYTHING NOW IS SO WONDERFULLY COMPLICATED

So my girl (wife) had her birthday on February 9.  That's right I had the misfortune to marry a girl whose birthday is dangerously close to Valentine's Day, causing me to tap dance around the correct amount of accolades to give her as a woman and person but careful not to blow my wad on one or the other too much, all the while keeping one eye on the checking account.

Guess what though.  I have the FORTUNE to be married to a woman who thinks that Valentine's Day is an over-commercialized holiday of b.s.that is really designed just to sell candy, flowers, balloons, and chocolates.  How about that?  One thing in common that we've talked about is the ludicrous commercial society that we Americans live in.  So when she got on the topic of Valentine's day, saying how silly and capitalistic it is, the genius in my head made me nod, "Absolutely honey.  It's just silly, isn't it?"

So she's more concerned about her birthday than anything...and BOY IS SHE!  God forbid I don't open my eyes that morning and sensually whisper, "Happy Birthday," immediately.  It's an automatic fifteen demerits if any words are uttered before those in the morning on that day.

So two for one isn't so bad.

Now here's where the fun starts.  We live in the Valley and we thought it would be nice to take a trip out to Malibu to enjoy Pacific Coast Highway and gets some eats.  So we packed.  We took sun screen, the diaper bag stocked with a diaper or two, the doggy bag and Mommy packed a nice little cooler of snacks (apples, cheese, and whatever else you can think of).

But guess what.

There is ALWAYS something to be forgotten.  The snack cooler and baby wipes.

Years ago in our society we never had baby wipes.  How did we ever get along without them?  Did we actually use wet paper towels?  No wonder kids' asses were as red as a sunburn back then.  We didn't actually forget the wipes.  For the past three days we had been meaning to get them but time alluded us as it is difficult to get the specific hypo-allergenic and environmentally safe wipes befitting of our little Bella.

So at the gas station my daughter had a pants-load of crap and I'm grabbing the paper towels off the gas pump island.  Yeah, that'll be comfortable.  But I had nothing else.

The changing happened on the front seat of our car.  We used our drinking water to rinse the pasty bottom.

All the while our car sick dog sat off to the side in the grassy knoll of the parking lot.  So the ragged extra towel that we keep in the car for emergencies had already been claimed by a double-puking of our little dog Sephira.

"I hate the f-ing car.  What makes you think I want to drive all the way to Malibu in this horrible contraption.  I hate you guys for this.  Hate you....hate you."

So that towel was already gone and we were relying on an old torn sheet that we used to hang in Bella's window of the backseat to keep the sun from developing cataracts for a thirteen month old.  Question.  Does creating a "make-shift" solution to everything make you white trash?  Shamefully, we've asked ourselves this way too many times.

So twenty to twenty-five minutes later we were finally done and on the hunt for a restaurant to celebrate Mommy's birthday and throw Valentine's day in on top of that.  (Thank you Jesus for a low maintenance woman in that regards...HOWEVER there are some other things...we'll talk).

So the point is, when you're single you say, "Hey, let's take a trip to Malibu for the day."  The response is, "Okay, cool.  Let's go."  And you're off without a worry in the world.

These thoughts were creeping into my head as we were dealing with the twenty-five minute pit stop to let Mommy pee and improvise a changing table and baby wipes in the car.  I always feel guilty when I throw a baby diaper out in a public receptacle because even though garbage "stinks" in general, nothing compares to a baby diaper.  So when I approach the garbage can on the gas pump island, with station patrons around, casually filling their cars, I discreetly bundle the evidence up and try to throw something else away with it, thinking that if anyone saw what I was throwing away, they'd be sure to shout out,

"Hey you!  Don't throw that baby sh!t in there!  What do you think that is?  A Diaper Genie II?  Hey everybody, this guy's throwing baby sh!t into this public waste receptacle!  I'm calling the cops!"  And then everyone starts throwing up from the stench.

But it never happens.  But I'm certain they're thinking it.

So now with a baby, everything is so complicated.  But wonderfully.  I'm convinced that we are created with some special gene that makes us crazy about or kid so that none of this gets to you.  You actually like the silly challenges that this twenty-four pounds of pure joy offers you.  There MUST be a gene, otherwise we'd kill anything else that puts us through so many unexpected trials.

So with the simplicity of the bachelor days ruminating in the back of my mind we eat at Malibu Seafood Fresh Market Cafe.  Good stuff.

Since they stopped serving beer and wine there we were desperate for a quick drink some place nice on the beach to cap off the weekend and make it an official birthday celebration with my woman.

We stumbled upon Paradise Cove.  Sounds cheesy maybe like a name you'd hear in the song "Hotel California" but it was awesome.  We didn't want to wait for a table so we hung out in the bar area which was bled into by the lobby.  They are almost one in the same.  Bella had a field day meeting so many people and making them smile.

This is where we bumped into a group of four single people:  three early thirties women and one late twenties dude.  One of the girls had just left the set of Wheel of Fortune.  They were telling us how much they loved little Bella but how none of them were ready yet and they were glad to have their freedom.  If I may quote the Great Tosh.0, he calls babies, "Little dream killers."

Seeing these single people did take me back to a more simple time, where spontaneity was often enjoyed but always under appreciated.  So in talking to this quadruple, I made believe that the one mature and attractive girl was into me.

I later told my wife this little fantasy which may or may not be true but it's nice to entertain the idea of peaking someone's interest.  She was unsurprisingly supportive.  She agreed it's good to have that once in a while.  After all, part of the fun in having someone is discovering that they still turn others' heads once in a while.

That's why I didn't pitch a fit about the black guy gentlemanly chatting with my girl (you see, she has a booty) in the drink line at the bar.

Life was simpler as a single dude but I have been there and done that.  Words cannot describe how much continuity of joy I now experience on a daily basis.  Lonely?  Don't have time for it.  Everyone is a little different when going through their formative years but I would classify myself as mildly sociable:  always willing to talk but didn't go out of my way to strike up a conversation with people.  So now, I am more sociable than ever and with little Bella being the start of every topic, we are attracting into our lives some of the coolest people.  Or maybe we're just attracting the coolest features of people into our lives...thanks to Bella.